Questions

We were blessed with a gorgeous evening! Asher and I went for a walk down some pathways through our neighborhood. The air was warm and clear and all the humidity of the last few days was blown away with the thunderstorms. There were huge patches of blue sky, covered by an occasional large fluffy cloud. We walked down a path I hadn't been on since fall and was awed at the number of wildflowers nodding at us in the clean evening light. I was contemplating how every single flower is a visible reminder of God's love for us, something I had spoken about at an event just a few weeks ago, and now here was a whole meadow that felt like it had been placed there just for me, just for tonight.

And then they passed.

A mom. Three boys.

Three boys roughly the same age as my three. All riding bikes, the mom bringing up the rear. They seemed so free, so at ease. The mom was completely relaxed. She knew her boys knew what to do and where to go. She had no fear that one of them might careen off in the wrong direction, most likely toward the busy street ahead.

And it hit me hard, as it does occasionally:

What is that like?

What is it like to be just a regular mom?

With regular kids?

With nothing that makes you stand out in a crowd?

What is it like to spontaneously go for a bike ride with all three of your children?

What is it like not to have to plan so much ahead that it never feels like a spontaneous decision?

What is it like not to have to hook up adaptive equipment?

To just let the kids hop on and ride?

What is it like to allow freedom to all of your children without concern for anyone's safety?

What is it like for all of your children to be able to use the restroom with little to no assistance from you?

What is it like not to have to do hand-over-hand cleaning of the bathroom floor for the bazillionth time that day because your child thinks it's fun to spray his pee everywhere? (Of course, she's the mom of boys so she may actually be doing that but not in my dream speculation.)

What is it like not to have your day rigidly scheduled with medical procedures, therapy exercises, and personal care activities?

What's it like not to deal with behaviors? Panic attacks? Spitting? Hitting? Kicking?

What is it like to be 'normal'?

I walked under my own personal storm cloud as I pondered that for most of the way home. Wouldn't it be nice, just once, to have that? But of course, I would still want my kids. I wouldn't want three other kids. I want MY boys, but without the struggles. But would they still be my boys? Would I even recognize them? How can you have the same of something if the things that make that something what it is disappear?

I can't. I can't have my boys, my family, without the things that make my boys what they are. All the difficulty, the trials, the slog are making a beautiful something that wouldn't exist without the tough. I don't even really know completely what that beautiful something is but I see it happening. I see it transforming us into better, more caring, more loving, more giving, more open people.