When Caedmon was 10 months old I ran my first half-marathon. That's 13.1 miles. I am very proud of that.
Today, Asher is 6 months old. I struggled hard to complete 3 miles. But I completed it. Even with the humidity stuck up on our energy efficient windows yelling at me to stay inside. Even with my body whining that the baby woke us up at 5 AM, and this is no way to start our day. Even with the slap in the face from the heat as I walked out the door. I got out the door and I ran and I completed it. I am very proud of that.
God teaches me lessons on perspectives a lot. I will not always be in this place at this time. I cannot compare this moment of my life with any other moment because life changes, circumstances change. If I spend all my time trying to cling to the past I will have no joy for this moment. I will be stuck in yesterday. If I try to beat myself up for what I did then compared to what I can do now I will do nothing.
And doing something is a hell of a lot better than doing nothing.
That is my running mantra. That is my mantra for life. That is my kick in the pants to get me off of the couch on the days I want to do nothing.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Kids Are Good Teachers
Asher has been home for a week and is doing very well. He had a checkup on Monday and all things are normal. His sodium level raised to the normal level over the weekend and he gained a pound in 2 days. On Sunday he started to show his old self again, smiling and laughing almost nonstop. It made me realize how much I had missed him over the last few weeks. And how sick he had really gotten.
It also made me think about how grateful I am to have all of my boys and how much I have learned from my them. And to celebrate the first six months of having Asher as part of the family.
Damek, my first born and amazingly bright buddy of mine. Being my first, he's taught me how to be a mom, how to apologize for the many mistakes I have made since he came into my life, how to enjoy the simple things and brush away all the crazy stimulation our world has in it. He has helped me to realize how quickly the years fly by and how to enjoy every special moment and hold it in my heart.
Caedmon, my daredevil extraordinaire. He has taught me to celebrate and take delight in even the little things. And to not take for granted the amazing intricacy of how our bodies move and function. He has taught me to try harder when I want to quit. Most importantly, he has taught me that beauty is a matter of the heart's response and the growth of love and has nothing to do with the outward appearance of something.
And Asher. My heart has grown and I have found love multiplying exponentially with every child. When Asher smiles, when he laughs, my heart fills so much I think it will actually burst. With one smile, he makes everything disappear but the joy of that moment in time. Through him I have learned what true, pure joy is. I wish everyone in the world could spend one moment with him so they can understand what God created every human to be full of. Asher is what Jesus meant when He said, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full!" (John 10:10)
It also made me think about how grateful I am to have all of my boys and how much I have learned from my them. And to celebrate the first six months of having Asher as part of the family.
Damek, my first born and amazingly bright buddy of mine. Being my first, he's taught me how to be a mom, how to apologize for the many mistakes I have made since he came into my life, how to enjoy the simple things and brush away all the crazy stimulation our world has in it. He has helped me to realize how quickly the years fly by and how to enjoy every special moment and hold it in my heart.
Caedmon, my daredevil extraordinaire. He has taught me to celebrate and take delight in even the little things. And to not take for granted the amazing intricacy of how our bodies move and function. He has taught me to try harder when I want to quit. Most importantly, he has taught me that beauty is a matter of the heart's response and the growth of love and has nothing to do with the outward appearance of something.
And Asher. My heart has grown and I have found love multiplying exponentially with every child. When Asher smiles, when he laughs, my heart fills so much I think it will actually burst. With one smile, he makes everything disappear but the joy of that moment in time. Through him I have learned what true, pure joy is. I wish everyone in the world could spend one moment with him so they can understand what God created every human to be full of. Asher is what Jesus meant when He said, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full!" (John 10:10)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hospital Stay, Take 3
Our sweet Asher baby is back in the hospital.
He'd been throwing up for a few days when I took him in to see our regular doctor. She thought maybe it's reflux and prescribed some medicine.
The throwing up got worse. One day it was every single time he ate.
We took him back to his doctor she said get him to Children's, I'll tell them you're coming. He's been there for 2 days so far.
We know he has a severe infection. They put him on the 3 most powerful antibiotics. We know his sodium was so low that he should have been having seizures. They think it was from all the throwing up. We know his kidneys are still enlarged. Tomorrow he goes in for another ultrasound to see if there is a blockage there they missed the first time. Even if there's not, we know his ureters are small so it may mean surgery to enlarge them. We won't know much more until tomorrow.
In the meantime, he is eating, he has not thrown up since the first round of antibiotic was given, he has been moved out of ICU, he is more awake and alert. He is also in pain. The doctors think it may be a reaction to the antibiotics but I'm not convinced. I think his kidneys are hurting him.
I am thankful for the thoroughness of the doctors, for dedicated nurses who help you laugh, for all our friends and family who continue to pray and check in, for tiny bottles of baby shampoo so I don't have to wash with the hospital hand soap, for all of our boys taking it in stride, for my husband who takes a night shift every once in a while to give me a break, for my bed that I am now going to go fall in.
The throwing up got worse. One day it was every single time he ate.
We took him back to his doctor she said get him to Children's, I'll tell them you're coming. He's been there for 2 days so far.
We know he has a severe infection. They put him on the 3 most powerful antibiotics. We know his sodium was so low that he should have been having seizures. They think it was from all the throwing up. We know his kidneys are still enlarged. Tomorrow he goes in for another ultrasound to see if there is a blockage there they missed the first time. Even if there's not, we know his ureters are small so it may mean surgery to enlarge them. We won't know much more until tomorrow.
In the meantime, he is eating, he has not thrown up since the first round of antibiotic was given, he has been moved out of ICU, he is more awake and alert. He is also in pain. The doctors think it may be a reaction to the antibiotics but I'm not convinced. I think his kidneys are hurting him.
I am thankful for the thoroughness of the doctors, for dedicated nurses who help you laugh, for all our friends and family who continue to pray and check in, for tiny bottles of baby shampoo so I don't have to wash with the hospital hand soap, for all of our boys taking it in stride, for my husband who takes a night shift every once in a while to give me a break, for my bed that I am now going to go fall in.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Take THAT, Spina Bifida!
Caedmon has loved swinging from the very first time he ever sat in a swing, it's the first thing he wants to do when we go to a playground and he couldn't understand why only Asher got to sit in the amazingly fun looking baby swing in our living room.
So, when we found a craigslist deal on a small slide and swingset he thought it was better than Christmas. Of course, I couldn't drop everything every time he wanted to go out and swing, because that would be All. The. Time.
When you are an independent, determined boy, this is good motivation to figure things out for yourself. Throw in a daddy who hasn't quite gotten to building the steps to the slide and you have the formula for lots of fun and a palm heal strike to the face of spina bifida.
This is Caedmon saying, 'Take THAT spina bifida!'
So you can fully appreciate this video, before this swingset came into our lives Caedmon could not walk up a slide, pull himself up onto a swing and did not know how to get himself and keep himself going. Ha!
Friday, June 15, 2012
God Really Loves You!
Well, and me too.
It's so easy to get into a downward spiral of pity and sadness. You can go on for days, weeks, years, looking at all the misery in your own life and in the world. You start to be miserable. You start to wonder why all these horrible things are happening to you. You start to doubt that God is actually a God of love or mercy. You start to covet other people's happy lives.
The funny thing is, what you don't realize is that some of the same people you are coveting are coveting you right back. Because, the sad thing is, when you start to dwell on all the darkness it blinds you to all the wonderful things of light you actually do have.
A few days back I decided I was really tired of the downward trend my mind had been taking. I was ready for a new start. I didn't feel a bit of joy in it but I chose to start thanking God for any little thing I could think of.
Thank you that I have a family.
Thank you for my kids.
Thank you for my husband.
Thank you that I live in a peaceful country and neighborhood.
Thank you that I have food in my kitchen.
I think I stopped there. Obviously my list is pretty shabby and surface level but it did get my mind out of the muck of pity for a bit.
I decided that every time I went into the bathroom I had to think of something new to be thankful for.
One time all I could think of was: thank you that my body works to go to the bathroom.
Sigh.
The next day I got a call from a gentleman who goes to our church. He asked if he could take a look at our car that has a million miles on it and is not safe to drive.
Sure. Why not?
He came over and started working.
At the same time, Asher's physical therapist came over for her monthly visit. Asher was sleeping so we just chatted for a bit. For some reason, Caedmon's trike came up. A friend gave it to us a year ago and he has never been able to use it. We have taken it to several bike shops trying to find straps to hold his feet on and have never been successful. It's been so frustrating!
Oh, says the PT, I have something at my office that would work. Can I take it with me and bring it back tonight?
Wow! Okay, sure, why not?
A few hours later I get a message from a friend. I have some stuff my son doesn't need anymore, can I bring it by?
Sure. Why not?
The weekend mechanic knocks on the door. He's spent 4 hours with my piece 'o crap car. I think it's good to go, he says. He gives me some receipts for some parts he had to buy, totalling less than $30 and refuses to take any more for his time and work.
An hour later, Caedmon's trike is sitting on my front step with blocks and straps for his feet.
A little while later there is a large bag of clothes and other items for my oldest that we've been needing to get him.
I started to cry.
Not because I got a bunch of stuff. Anyone who's been following God for any amount of time knows He does not operate like that.
However, my love language is acts of service. It is how I most understand that someone loves me. I look back over the last single day of my life and I realize that all these people were spoken to by God and answered His call to help my family out because He loves me. Because it was important to Him to show little old me that He wasn't giving up on me regardless of my close embrace with darkness.
It's pretty humbling to think that God would do so much just to show His love for me. It makes me think He must love me an amazing amount.
And, just so you know, He loves you that much too.
It's so easy to get into a downward spiral of pity and sadness. You can go on for days, weeks, years, looking at all the misery in your own life and in the world. You start to be miserable. You start to wonder why all these horrible things are happening to you. You start to doubt that God is actually a God of love or mercy. You start to covet other people's happy lives.
The funny thing is, what you don't realize is that some of the same people you are coveting are coveting you right back. Because, the sad thing is, when you start to dwell on all the darkness it blinds you to all the wonderful things of light you actually do have.
A few days back I decided I was really tired of the downward trend my mind had been taking. I was ready for a new start. I didn't feel a bit of joy in it but I chose to start thanking God for any little thing I could think of.
Thank you that I have a family.
Thank you for my kids.
Thank you for my husband.
Thank you that I live in a peaceful country and neighborhood.
Thank you that I have food in my kitchen.
I think I stopped there. Obviously my list is pretty shabby and surface level but it did get my mind out of the muck of pity for a bit.
I decided that every time I went into the bathroom I had to think of something new to be thankful for.
One time all I could think of was: thank you that my body works to go to the bathroom.
Sigh.
The next day I got a call from a gentleman who goes to our church. He asked if he could take a look at our car that has a million miles on it and is not safe to drive.
Sure. Why not?
He came over and started working.
At the same time, Asher's physical therapist came over for her monthly visit. Asher was sleeping so we just chatted for a bit. For some reason, Caedmon's trike came up. A friend gave it to us a year ago and he has never been able to use it. We have taken it to several bike shops trying to find straps to hold his feet on and have never been successful. It's been so frustrating!
Oh, says the PT, I have something at my office that would work. Can I take it with me and bring it back tonight?
Wow! Okay, sure, why not?
A few hours later I get a message from a friend. I have some stuff my son doesn't need anymore, can I bring it by?
Sure. Why not?
The weekend mechanic knocks on the door. He's spent 4 hours with my piece 'o crap car. I think it's good to go, he says. He gives me some receipts for some parts he had to buy, totalling less than $30 and refuses to take any more for his time and work.
An hour later, Caedmon's trike is sitting on my front step with blocks and straps for his feet.
A little while later there is a large bag of clothes and other items for my oldest that we've been needing to get him.
I started to cry.
Not because I got a bunch of stuff. Anyone who's been following God for any amount of time knows He does not operate like that.
However, my love language is acts of service. It is how I most understand that someone loves me. I look back over the last single day of my life and I realize that all these people were spoken to by God and answered His call to help my family out because He loves me. Because it was important to Him to show little old me that He wasn't giving up on me regardless of my close embrace with darkness.
It's pretty humbling to think that God would do so much just to show His love for me. It makes me think He must love me an amazing amount.
And, just so you know, He loves you that much too.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Happy Anniversary!
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a boy asked a girl to be in his college English study group. The girl accepted and gave him her phone number. Somewhere over the course of the next few years they started dating, fell in love, got engaged, then married.
That was 14 years ago.
To celebrate this momentous occasion the boy had an amazing night . . .
sleeping on the couch in the basement to calm the freaked out dog as 5 million thunderstorms went past the house.
The girl woke dark and early to a romantic . . .
scream for help down the hall and a bloody nose in bed,
which resulted in a party . . .
since the baby awoke to the hoopla and frolickery, ready to celebrate.
The grand finale to this amazing morning was the boy gracefully and gently caressing . . .
a pair of pliers as he broke a plastic ring off a swollen finger, as it started to bite into the skin.
What will the rest of the day hold?
What will the next 14 years hold?
It is all conjecture but I think it's probably true that it will be just as eventful and exciting as this morning was. Maybe even more so.
That was 14 years ago.
To celebrate this momentous occasion the boy had an amazing night . . .
sleeping on the couch in the basement to calm the freaked out dog as 5 million thunderstorms went past the house.
The girl woke dark and early to a romantic . . .
scream for help down the hall and a bloody nose in bed,
which resulted in a party . . .
since the baby awoke to the hoopla and frolickery, ready to celebrate.
The grand finale to this amazing morning was the boy gracefully and gently caressing . . .
a pair of pliers as he broke a plastic ring off a swollen finger, as it started to bite into the skin.
What will the rest of the day hold?
What will the next 14 years hold?
It is all conjecture but I think it's probably true that it will be just as eventful and exciting as this morning was. Maybe even more so.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
The Road Less Traveled
Sometimes in life you feel led to take the road less traveled. And as you are rolling along, enjoying the view, difficulty or hardship . . . or a deer . . . will hurl itself at you rendering you motionless for a time.
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When this happens you have a choice to make: lay down and cry or dance in the road, since it is less traveled, and enjoy the sunset, the birds singing, the cows calling and the deer running off through the fields with her family, apparently completely uninjured.
And then go play.
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When this happens you have a choice to make: lay down and cry or dance in the road, since it is less traveled, and enjoy the sunset, the birds singing, the cows calling and the deer running off through the fields with her family, apparently completely uninjured.
And then go play.
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