Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Sometimes It's Just Too Much

Caedmon has a pretty major surgery coming up in a few weeks. His legs will be broken, by a doctor not in some rambunctious little boy play, reset to try to straighten them a bit from the way they twist now, his left foot will be reconstructed, a tendon will be completely severed to loosen his foot and stop it from turning in. His dad and I have felt this heavy weight on our chest get heavier by the day as the surgery gets closer. This kid! He has been through so much, though he doesn't really know that, it's all part of life for him.

Adam and I are looking at the minimum 12 week recovery time and feeling like this huge tidal wave is just hovering above our house. Caedmon is looking forward to Grandma coming to visit. He just doesn't have the adult mind that can latch on to anything in the future and attach fear and negativity to it.

And then . . .

A few days ago, on a Friday, Asher and Caedmon were wrestling, as they love to do. Asher saw the CHAIT tube button on Caedmon's side, grabbed it in his little pudgy fingers and completely yanked the entire button and tube out of Caedmon's body. We heard a scream, came running, and saw the tube lying on our living room rug and a hole in Caedmon's side. Adam quickly put together a bag while I taped gauze over the opening and Adam and Caedmon rushed off to the ER. After 4 hours, they came home with a huge, long temporary tube taped in various places around his side and chest with the instructions to call his urologist on Monday. We called as early as possible on Monday and, after some calling back and forth, were told, 'Oh, we just went to grab another tube and realized we don't have anymore. We'll have to order them.' How long will that take? 'Well, we hope just a few days . . .' It is Wednesday now. We're still waiting to hear something.

And then . . .

Last night we wanted Caedmon to be able to bathe and we needed to change the dressing over the hole. He was so anxious that we were going to somehow pull the tube completely out of his side that he could not calm down enough to let us do it. It took Adam holding him down on the floor and me pulling tape off and putting more tape on to finally get him in the shower. He was so upset he was shaking and shivering. There is nothing worse than having your child be scared and having to walk them through the thing they are most scared of. To have him crying in my face with a look of utter terror while I calmly (on the outside) continued on with the job at hand was nearly more than I could take. We cuddled for a long time and talked through what had happened, what he had been scared of (pain), what had actually happened (no pain). I am tearing up just writing this because even the memory is so stressful.

And then . . .

Today Asher had his PT appointment. On Friday he had finally been fitted with new orthotics, he had outgrown his old ones. I was so happy to take him in finally and have him get a good session in with the appropriate footwear. A few minutes after him going back his PT came out and said, 'Could you come back with us?' I followed her to a bench where she picked up Asher's shoeless feet and said, 'These orthotics don't look right.' She then pointed out several problems with them that were causing Asher to twist his feet in order to walk.

Quite often I am able to be a 'go with the flow' kinda person. These things are what they are and I can't change how it's happening, I can only change what happens today. But with so many things at once it feels like too much sometimes. I would like to cuddle in my bed, read a good book, get on a plane to somewhere sunny and warm, forget about mommy duties for a while, have a good cry and sit by the ocean. Instead, I will get off the computer right now so I can get to Caedmon's school in order to cath him.

Meh, get-aways aren't that great anyway. All the stuff is still sitting here for you when you get back. Perhaps slogging through is the best plan. After all, it's just a stage. Also, my mom sent us some money for ice cream. I think we shall have an after-school get-away to the ice cream shop.


  1. I read this to my husband and told him THIS is why we pray for the Breiner family everyday!! I too cried as I read about holding down your boy -- I think God Himself shed some tears over that -- He understands what it's like to watch your child go thru scary and painful things!1

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! I really don't know what we would do without them!

  2. HUGS!!
    that is a lot to deal with. i would definitely feel the same way you do; overwhelmed and desire escape! but you're right, it isnt going away.
    this is just a time when Jesus carries you. one set of footprints. cliche maybe, but true. i pray God gives you some peace and deep breaths and the strength to bear the anxiety and stress of the upcoming pains and recovery. :(