Driving home tonight to switch places with Adam and spend some time with my big boys I started thinking about how much energy I waste trying to hold off things I have no control over. I realized how tense I had become in the last 24 hours, willing Asher to eat more, wake up longer, get home sooner, when there is really absolutely nothing I can do about it. There are moments when I relax into the present, where I think gratefully of this bit of quiet time I get to spend with my youngest before he is thrust into family life and things get a lot busier. But for 90% of the time I am pushing a mountain hoping to move it a few inches or trying to redirect the waves of the ocean using only my two hands.
It's ridiculous, really. I only have so much energy in my body and much of it is being taken up by lack of sleep and a 3 hour feeding schedule. Why in the world would I want to use the rest of it on something so fruitless and how often do I do this with everything else in my life without even thinking about it? What would happen if I allowed myself to take things as they came without fighting tooth and nail every inch of the way? The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. What I wouldn't give to have that wisdom to clearly know the difference between what I can and can't do anything about.
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